Ferventlous

Sometimes I feel as though I have all these powers.  That I can get someone to do something.  I personally think I’m a lot of fun.  I have a lot to offer.  However, with everything that has been going on, I feel like I’m just playing a joke on myself.  Things has not gone my way in a while.  I feel as though I am a filler.  Someone to be there until the next person comes along or for the other person to come back.

All these times, I thought I had dealt my cards correctly.  As I sat back and thought of everything, I feel like I’m playing 52 cards pick up.  Someone throws the cards down and it’s my job to sort them out, and hands it over to the next person.

I told myself that I was not going to be that gal that makes a guy better for the next girl.  However, why am I seeing this now?  Should one thing affect my views on everything that I thought I once saw clearly.  Everything seems distorted.  It seems as though all that I did was a contradiction to myself.

I hate being that girl that is afraid of making the first move.  It just occurs to me that every first move that I make pulls me back a little.  I hate repetition. I always pick the wrong person or I just make the wrong moves.

Is it true? Was this person right?  Am I just in it for the chase?  Sure, I sometimes say I am because I find it interesting.  There are times when I just want everything to be laid out on the table for me to choose.  Then again, this idea does not appeal to me very much.

This blog did not go according to the way I have planned it.

So, I cannot force someone to do something they do not want to do and that is hanging out with me.  Therefore, I’m backing off and doing what I originally planned on doing.  Friends?  I’m letting them call all the shots.  There’s no feeling of shame once it comes to friendship.  You want my friendship?  I’m going to be the best friend there is.  You don’t make plans?  Fine, spur of the moment works for me.

Lala, late night sucks.  Off to bed for a productive day tomorrow or shall I say today.

I was trying to get myself in touch with the presidential candidate tonight.  I was pretty sure I was voting for Mccain before.  After reading all the articles they had online, I’m just not quite sure anymore.  I know it’s the media’s job to bash on both of these candidates.  I haven’t enough searching on Obama yet.  I’m thinking I’ll probably have a tough time at the poll.

What I really want to see are the things that they can do for this country and not necessarily a comparison of the two.  That is for me to decide and compare.  It will be my first time at the poll and I’m hoping it’ll be an interesting one.  However, I probably want to do the absentee ballot.  Who knows where I’ll be in November.  I probably won’t have time to drive home to where I’m registered at.

Right now, I think our economy is ridiculous.  As a college student, it’s hard for me to make ends meet.  Just my drive home cost me about an arm and a leg.  Good thing we have public transportation at school.  However, I heard that tuition was increasing and that my school did a budget cut.  I just hope that it doesn’t put a damper onto my allowance.

I’m not sure how much the next president is going to help us with our economy.  They have control, but how much can they help.  And we all know politicians lie, so not every promise is going to be delivered.  A speech is a speech; a campaign is a campaign; nothing more and nothing less.

I don’t care how well a candidate delivers a speech.  I want to know that he will deliver the promises he made to the people.  I don’t care about how well they speak, I care about how much change they can do.

I guess this is a different rambling than my normal nothingness.

So, I’m following a trend with the people I meet.  I like those that keeps me on my tippie toes.  I like them to be predictable but yet very unpredictable.  However, these are the ones that does the most harm to me.   Do I need to play enough games to finally realize that I’ve had enough?  I know it’s bad for me now but it’s so much fun.  I have to find enjoyment somewhere.

Man, I bitch a lot.  I need to stop and be more laid back.  I was told I expect too much.  When I’m with someone, I want their full attention.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask but apparently it is.  I’m going to sit back and be more chilled about things.

Sometimes I don’t feel like I am a ‘best friend’.  I just feel as if I am only remembered when there’s no one to hang out with.  Maybe I’m not as important as you led me to become.  Sure, I understand you very well, but how well do you understand me?  Do you know that I hate being stood up or not receiving an expected phone call?  If you tell me you’re going to do something or that we might be doing something, at least inform me if plans have changed.  I hate that I don’t take our plans seriously anymore.  I just think that maybe I would be forgotten…again.  Maybe someone better might come along and you won’t remember to keep me informed about this plan.  So I will not take plans with you seriously.  It’s bad because in the end, I still care for you deeply.  I still trust you with my personal feelings.  That probably will never change.

The change in age leads to change in experience.  My friend and I have been friends since we were about 12.  Through out these years, we both have changed in almost every way possible.  We have made many mistakes through out all these years but we still manage to be on the same page and help one another out.  Sometimes talking about current situation makes me feel safe.  As she has confirmed, she is not here to judge me, instead she’s here to give me a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen.  I guess I’m starting to realize a lot of what I am grateful for.

I just need a moment to take it in and to see where I have slipped.  I opened my arms and now I have no idea where it’s leading me.  I have lost all control and all I have left is a mess that needs fixing.

I can no longer want to be strong and to hold it all in.  I must learn to express myself but how?  How can I do such a girl like thing?  I want to scream it out that I do care very much.  That sometimes my words are just a facade so I do not have to explain how I really feel.  I want to be able to be the weaker person, to let my guards down.  To be held and know that I am safe.  I want to feel vulnerable, to feel needy, to feel important, and to feel loved.

I have denied myself of all true feelings and now I am left out to dry; to have no one but myself.  I must be the one to help myself up, to be the one to hold my own hand and experience this roller coaster alone.

I want to let go and know that it is okay and that someone will catch me if I let them.  I don’t want to feel as though I have to be strong so that I will prevent myself from all emotional pain.

Damaged



I am convinced that I am not.  I’m probably not someone one wants to bring home to mommy or one that someone look to settle down with.  I think that I don’t have those special qualities to be one.  Therefore, I’m going to save guys from this misery and not ‘date’ anymore.  I think I’ve been doing too much of it.  It’s getting to become trite and it leads nowhere that I want it to be. We go do our fun activities.  If I get a good vibe we date again if not, until maybe the third and it stops, or we stop after the first.

As I was talking to a ‘friend’ today, I realized how much I hate my views and those of the guys I ‘date’.  It’s not as traditional as I want it to be. It’s not traditional at all.  Dating life becomes too…crazy for me.  I like hanging out with people but it gets to the point where I become afraid that it’ll lead somewhere or that it’ll lead nowhere.

Guys that I don’t want to date asks me on dates, the ones that I consider us ‘dating’ consider us as ‘just friends’.  I just don’t know how to classify things anymore.  And compared to some, I’m not one to jump the gun.  So now who gives two shits who they are, they’re just guy friends.  We make out, oh we’re just friends.  You tell me you miss me, we’re just friends. We both classify as us going on dates, we’re still just friends.  I’m not looking for someone to mess with my head anymore.

This is becoming a trend so I’m adapting to this trend.  Since it’s becoming a trend that I’m not girlfriend material, I’m going to make it into a fact.  I’m going to play this game better than anyone.

I sound bitter?  Maybe just a little.

(if the right guy comes along, I’m sure I’ll see it or he’ll show it so all  goes out the window)

So, good luck to the next lucky bastard that wants to date me exclusively.

I was talking to a friend and she tells me that she does not talk to a guy if she thinks he’s interested in her and she wasn’t.  And she also said she doesn’t hang out with a guy one on one unless they were dating.  I consider that to be weird.  A lot of my friends are guys and I’m only comfortable hanging out with them one on one.  I feel as though if they don’t tell me that they like me, even if I get a vibe, I still hang out with them; giving the situation the benefit of the doubt.  I don’t want to jump into conclusion and lose a friend.  And if he’s a good enough friend, we’ll eventually patch things up and still remain friends.  I personally think it’s a lot better to hang out with a guy then to hang out with girls.  We’re a little more catty. <—understatement.  I guess I see where she’s coming from but I still don’t think it’s right.  With a guy, I can say a lot of things and not have to express my feelings as much as when I talk to a guy.  With girls, I feel like we care more about what one another feels and not so much with what happened.  It’s just refreshing to say things and not have to analyze how I feel emotionally.  Emotional feelings always makes my statement go sour.

We did not turn back time but we were living in the moment.  The moment came to a halt all too soon.  Now we are left with our last word of goodbyes all the while I recite words that would cut you the most.  From the bottom of my heart, I cannot forget all the wrongs that went on between us.  From deep within my mind, I cannot believe that I agreed to such absurd behavior.  I asked you to walk a steady road with me.  Before I knew it, there was nothing steady about this moment of ‘bliss’.  You brought joy into my life but you also filled my soul with deep sadness.  For a while, I could not imagine what it would be like losing you.  As I see myself becoming stronger, I know that I could not have you as a part of my life.  Life with you will just be filled with misery, uncertainity, and heartache.  The words ‘I love you’ slowly came out of your mouth and touched my heart in ways I could not imagine.  It soon led to a disaster that I do not care to remember.  Your kind words of encouragement are camouflaged by your insincere actions.  I was not wrong the first time and I am not wrong this time.